Some awesome Big Lots finds:
#24 NASCAR Jeff Gordon Collectors Series Racebrick
Its difficult to determine who I am more pissed off at, the Corporate Buyers, the Manufacturers or the Consumers? Eh…if people want to pay for garbage than let them.
Thanks for all the crap Big lots Guys,
TAXI
Feet Report that the Upper Body is Overrated
Harley Davidson Seeks to Rejuvenate the Brand with Family-style Motorcycle
Racers Astonished by Sudden Gravitational Shifts
Satellite Providers Turn to Magic Blue Man to Fix Widespread Reception Problems: Service Among Smurf Demographic at All Time High
Tortoise Implicated in Serial Arson Case, Hare Sought for Questioning as Possible Accomplice
Indian Librarian Shrinks all Works by Shakespeare in Effort to Read Them Faster
Princess Diana Not Dead, Trapped in Warlock’s Dining Hall Tapestry
Chihuahua Claims Land Speed Record on Pony, Not to be Outdone Black Bear Phenom “Hugo” Hits the Track to Reclaim the Title
Walrus Trio to Remake “Feed the World” for Charity Event
Iraqi Man Finds Zoom Buttons on Side of Eyeballs
Urban Sprawl Cuts Canoe Trips Short
Border Jumpers Form Tactical Go-Cart Squads in Effort to Confuse Border Patrols
World’s Smallest Man Evicted from Home, Holds Protest Outside Residence Claiming Squatters’ Rights
So there I am, sitting at my desk plugging away at our website updates trying to make it look like I’m super busy and listening to some Internet radio. I’ve been on a 80’s band kick today and so I’ve been bouncing the 80’s stations from POP to hair metal, to give you an idea of the blend today I just heard Def Lepperd’s Photograph, The Eurythmics Would I Lie to You, and Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror in the last half hour. Back to the point though, which is: Its days like this when you least expect it you come across unique musical talents like the fairly well unknown GODLEY & CREME, with their non-hit CRY. One only need step back a few words and read the last sentence over to understand why this group hasn’t burned up the charts. Now I’m sure some uber-nerd will pull out the intraweb lexicon of bullshit facts I never asked to know and tell me Soandso Godley wrote songs for that amazing power group Ricardo & the Fantasy Island Jam Band or some other actual successful group of the decade – but that would ruin my humorous find so fuck the uber-nerd and his useless facts.
Well people…I’ll likely not post until the New Year, so I’ll say my not-so-fond farewells to 2008 and Salutations to 2009. Another shitty year comes to an end with only the promise of more of the same in the year to come. What are you gonna do? Fortunately the whole point is that no matter how desperate the outlook may seem, that’s the whole reason to celebrate the New Year. Hey, we survived one more year…the opportunities to fix our mistakes still exist. It doesn’t matter that our track record of following through on our resolutions is at about a 1% success rate, its that we keep lying to ourselves to feel better that counts.
In all seriousness, I hate you all…damnit, no! Seriously, I’m putting the gag on personalities 3-7 (the rowdy, angry ones)…Happy Holidays to all my friends, family, the Cherokee Nation, the coal miners I routinely use as the butt of my fictional comedies, the jackass I splashed by buzzing a puddle (he was riding in the street and there was lots of traffic to maneuver around), Those awesome Cats at Sunshine Snacks who bring me my fine assortments of Cheeze-it snack crackers, and…all those empty suits on Capital Hill who provide me an limitless source of comedy gold on a daily basis. Let us all remember the coolest part about Christmas, or December 25th if you don’t recognize Christ as the son of your invisible deity, which is that General George “Welcome to the Gun Show” Washington led a ragtag band of Freedom Loving AMERICANS across the Delaware River and while outnumbered, poorly clothed, and outgunned they kicked some tea-sippin, imperial-minded British Asses. Those brave, half-crazed fellows fought to protect nearly everything we hold sacred to this day – slavery being the obvious exception, of course – and what better way to spend the holidays than by being greatful to those who fight to preserve that freedom both then and now. Hug a soldier for Christmas Bitches!
Merry New Years,
TAXI
Here’s an article from The Smoking Gun, via The Drudge Report:
Florida Boy Arrested For Gas Attack:
12-year-old charged after deliberately “breaking wind” in class
I honestly had no response to this when I saw it outside of “Well….huh?” That was all I could get out for this ridiculous story. A child was interrupting class…WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK! Damn near every child wants to interrupt class a t some point and cut up rather than learn new stuff all day. This is a central theme throughout most normal kids’ development. I wasn’t angry upon first reading this…cause it is pretty hilarious; but, despite the comedic value I found my self reminiscing about the good old days when a kid would be suspended or expelled for such behavior, NOT ARRESTED. I know its just juvenile detention and it won’t really hinder his future success – not that I expect much from the little flatulist. I don’t think that is an actual word or title, but Its what I’m going with so deal with it! I don’t think kids should be beaten – let me put that out there for clarification – but I do think disciplinary measures should be at the disposal of educators and authority figures. You can’t handcuff these teachers and expect them to just take it. Eventually, or at present, you will find they simply stop teaching and just let these kids coast on through the system, or take other extreme measures to deal with trouble makers, such as police intervention. Its funny – and yes, here’s my Right leaning political jab for the day – that the party of “It takes a Village to raise a Child” has brought us to the point where police intervention is necessary to deal with a kid farting in class. Here is the link to the article, the police report is just wonderful…give it a look.
No Farting In Class
Later,
TAXI
We do cuh-cuh-cuh-Cocaine! What would Schneider think, Carol?
Why does this happen to the mediocre talents so often – its not as though she pulled a John Belushi, leaving behind a legacy of masterful, original, oft-imitated but seldom doing him justice comedic performances. She was a mediocre talent at best and so why not cram as much crap into her nose and veins as possible so she feels better about herself for a minute, or feel like she has to numb herself because life is so hard…had she stayed off the nose candy she’d never have been fired from One Day At A Time…twice. Idiot.
Later,
TAXI
World’s first Double Arm Transplant Recipient bubbles over with jubilation at the impending Masturbation Marathon he has planned for his new guns. Question…is it masturbation if he’s still using another dude’s arms?
Spain, in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate the space program, attempts a new moon mission. Executive members of Spain’s Advanced Aeronautics Team said its going to be a team effort but we think we can get the job done.
China’s lack of concern for the environment reaches epic proportions as excess Chinese people are discarded into the atmosphere in an effort to produce a rice based fuel causing the dreaded China-man Rain.
Jewish Super Heroin, The Gefilte Fish, fueled by guilt and lochs, uses her amazing Jewish Water Powers to douse the flames of the latest in a series of bombings on Israel.
McCain loses the ever coveted “Subway” endorsement as he slightly misfires on his version of their popular “Five Dollar Foot Long” campaign slogan. Rumors of a Contract to supply “Big Sandwiches” in place of the Haliburton food contracts for troops in Iraq may sway the Sandwich Giant to come back to the McCain/Palin ticket.
I just can’t get enough of these photos…I need to rethink my career, wedding photos are nice but I need to hit the road and take some of these masterpieces. As always, if you have a better suggestion for the captions refer to or copy the pic an reply to this post.
Later,
Taxi
(I don’t much feel like posting the video but if you want to watch it – click here)
In an interview with Madge Albright, the Clinton Lackey extraordinaire, agreeing with Joe Biden’s earlier comments about Barack Obama being tested by our Radical Enemies being a certainty. HOW do these people keep getting a pass when they say things like this. America, it is your responsibility as freedom loving people to stop watching these ignorant, jackass reporters so they will be replaced with actual journalists. Its not journalism when you are in bed with one side. Not to mention the most unbelievable part, which is the fact that they all seem to agree that Barack will certainly be tested by our enemies almost immediately, like Kennedy, with one major exception – Kennedy was not a socialist (not entirely anyway) and he did not blame America for the aggressive, irrational actions of our admitted enemies. John McCain mentions this and its just passed over as if it was of little importance. Crazy pills indeed, people, this is lunacy.
Here’s a short, recent list of completely despicable acts (not including the comments mentioned above) by the Liberals attempting to steal this election from the American people.
There is plenty more that could be cherry picked to emphasize my point, but shouldn’t this be more than enough. There is a completely irrational mindset on the left that can’t be reasoned with anymore. They play this whole campaign out like its a game without the foresight to realize the outcome – Socialism, inevitably leading to Despotism. There’s a reason most of the world prefers Obama…most of the free nations we deal with have tried various forms of Socialism/Nationalism to try to take care of all their citizens; and the rest of the nations are current or former communist nations. Why would they want McCain when they know Obama will “deal” with them without any conditions being met. Obama favors the futile Socialist an Communist forms of government. Look through a history book and try to find a socialist/communist style of government that has been successful, that the people overwhelmingly accepted without threat of violence. You cannot find it because it has never happened. People have an innate desire to be free, and many of the citizens of these foreign lands would jump at the opportunity be Americans…so why is there opinion of us so terrible? Its not, their leaders don’t like us but most freedom loving people (which is most of us) don’t honestly want big brother/big government to do everything for us. For those of you that do want this then you can all move into California and we’ll lock you in so you can live in peace and harmony forever under tranquil, Socialist rule – oh, and Abject Poverty with the sole exceptions being the elite politicians and those they favor.
Must I Bludgeon this battered and bloody horse any more? Look at it like a math problem and open your eyes to the obvious. 1 + 1 = 2, Obama is blatent in his intentions, Obama + Presidency = Socialism. Please vote with your heads, not your hearts. Its time to grow up a little and stop waiting for the government to provide you with what could already be yours if you only took the initiative to do for yourselves. Ignore the mass media…dig into these stories to find out if they are true before believing them, don’t be afraid to make decisions that aren’t popular with your friends. Think about it, one of the first things you remember insofar as life lessons from your parents/parent is if all the other kids are jumping off a bridge would you follow them? Well kids, Obama is leading all over the side of that bridge and it appears that most of us don’t have the strength of character to stop and look where we’re heading. See you sheep at the bottom, I’ll take the stairs to the bottom where I’ll have to start cleaning up the mess the rest of you made while letting our country fall apart.
I Hope I haven’t gotten too dry and uninteresting for anyone, but this stuff is important to me, and if I spark one idea in one person and they start the process of taking ownership and responsibility for their own life then maybe it spreads. Its harder than the liberal ideaology of do whatever your told by the elites, but the rewards are infinitely better…as a matter of fact, the rewards are as great as you make them.
Just so you know I haven’t gotten bitter and detached…
Everybody loves Night Court – even the nutjob Liberals.
Later,
Taxi
There is no connection to the topic just an awesome picture of the Colbert giving you winners the thumbs up!Here’s a a smattering of “Good Idea, Bad Idea” Dates to get your weekend off to a good start, some serious some not – you figure that out yourself. I profess no expertise in this arena, only moderate proficiency, so take this all with the usual “grain of salt”. I often come up with ideas that never see or hear the light of day, like so much Helen Keller, and this blog is a small measure to get some of those ideas out lest my overly creative noggin explode at an inopportune time. So, on with the Fun Date Ideas.
As usual I scoured the world wide web for ideas and found everything from the hilarious to the mundane. I’ll start with something that drew my ire instantly, fucking Frisbee Golf. I play Golf…Frisbee golf makes real golf look like an actual sport. The only requirements to play are you need to be baked and have an afternoon free, like you would if you just got fired for toking up at work. The appeal here is that it gives you time to talk and such while doing an activity that is the antithesis of competitive sports. Despite the idiotic activity, a walk in the park with a cute girl is a winner. The only downfall is the typical girl interested in Frisbee golf might be a hippie…but if lots of hair and a “healthy” amount of BO is your thing, do it to it my friend. If you are unfamiliar with the sport or where to play just look over your local parks and playgrounds for devices like the one shown below. It looks like a giant bird feeder, except it will be surrounded by hippies and retards, and the occasional preppy asshole frat boy rather than birds – which would be much cooler, cause birds are like little dinosaurs and they don’t play frisbee golf; but I digress.
Look at the fellow above…notice something little ones, he is without female companionship. Know why? Cause he followed super awesome date idea #2 – Play Video Games That’s right, order up some food, invite her into your game dungeon and impress her with your mad gaming skills. Pay very close attention to me everybody – and I say this with all due respect to the gaming community of which I am a part – NEVER TRY TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR A FIRST DATE!!! In the unlikely event she is into games she will likely not want to get to know your level 2 penis if all you show her is your level 60 Orc Shaman. There is also the issue of there being a high percentage of unattractive girls into gaming…I am not shallow or anything its just how it is, and if you both dig games that much than go for it. But do not make it a first date or you’re totally boned, or not boned to be frank. Our friend Billy up above there in that wonderful Google supplied image never learned this lesson, and look at him now. The upshot, of course, is that he made a killing selling Fungi Tunic’s on eBay before they cracked down on all that stuff.
Treasure Hunt! What more awesome a time could you possibly have on a first date? And this idea comes to you on National Talk Like a Pirate Day! You will have free reign to make lewd Pirate innuendos the whole time with little fear of offending her. Just have your shit together or be very quick on your feet as planning a treasure hunt could backfire if you end up spending three hours at Wal-Mart for a first date and calling it a treasure hunt. Unless Wal-mart is your thing…then get your freaky shop on friend. This one really opens up a lot of possibilities…Now get out there and plunder some booty! Aaaaarrgghh!
Here’s a wild idea…Test Drive New Cars Together! Seriously? C’mon, everybody knows you Steal Cars and you don’t do this til at least the third date. How unromantic is this idea…lets get to know each other while we ride around in a car with a car salesman, who will undoubtedly constantly interrupt any meaningful dialogue by (you guessed it) trying to sell you a car you are not going to buy.
Feeling bold, take that new love interest to a local Wrestling Match sponsored by your local city council and some brake/muffler repair shop. These ideas are really out there. Let me just say, if she is into this idea, you aren’t into her – stop arguing, I’m saving you a lot of time and trouble, and possibly physical injury when you break it off with you Pro Wrestling Diva.
I think this is enough for everyone to get rolling. There, I got through a posting without a lick of political commentary…and with luck this will prove helpful for some of you – or not, I really have no vested interest in actually helping anyone with their dating woes, figure it out like the rest of us. hmmmm…the tone of this thing just got kinda bitter somehow. Tell you what, lets end like we began, on a cool, very Fonzy-esque “Hey There” from Stephen Colbert!
Nice! Later on Tampon, TAXI
I have heard Sean Hannity repeating “This will be remembered as the year that journalism died” on his radio and television shows recently (leading me to ponder whether a new book is on the way, but that is neither here nor there). I suppose he has a point. Over the last few years, even reliable, hard hitting, fact based reporting entities such as Drudge, and Breitbart, and others have gradually been getting more and more of the sensational news stories over the actual issues of importance. I know, it has everything to do with our society as a whole – these are not only news sources but businesses that profit through ad revenue, so I don’t fault them for following trends to success – but still, it is disheartening. Let’s face it, even the election coverage is more sensational than pertinent issue based.
Let’s point out a few of the day’s top news stories. I will of course give you my very biased, personal opinions on everything…its my blog, deal with it.
Exhibit A: Pam Anderson tells Sarah Palin to suck it!
Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when did being a whore with Hep C and severely bad judgement as it pertains to boyfriends and husbands qualify you as an expert on politics. Hollywood equals Socialist Lunatics. There is some kind of disconnect that happens to people in that industry where they feel guilty for working hard and making money for their efforts and want everyone to be able to be just as carefree and frivolous as they. They can no longer separate from the pretend part of their profession and feel the attention is synonymous with importance; IT IS NOT! I know this may shock you celebrities out there, but you are NOT IMPORTANT…watch, I’ll prove it and segue into…
Exhibit B: LINDSAY LOHAN'S GAL PAL SAYS THEY'LL GET MARRIED THIS YEAR
First let me say WHO CARES!!! I propose that we speed things up to the GUARANTEED split up of these two lovebirds within the next year or so when Ms. Lohan realizes that she was never a Lesbian, just a coked up strumpet with a dysfunctional family, and suggest they off themselves in some Lover’s Pact or something…it’ll be a fun PR stunt, for me anyway. I’ll bet you my entire life’s savings converted into monopoly money that within a month after the story is no longer front page news another desperate girl with big, shiny, fake knockers will bounce up into her destined role of misguided hollywood starlet turned total whore. Its only interesting in the way a train wreck is interesting…seeing something destroyed has a macabre beauty to it, that’s why we love fireworks and demolition derby’s and seeing guys getting kicked in the junk. This should be left to the Tabloids and non-news entertainment shows.
I am not saying there isn’t a market for this garbage, I’m simply making the connection between the problem we have as a society of separating entertainment and government. Kids are being raised by the TV and internet, guided by Left wing radicals typically, to love socialist ideals and to fight the system by obeying their Ultra-Cool heroes who themselves don’t have inkling of a clue of what is really going on in the world. They prey on kids and teenagers at the stages of life where acceptance is everything to them and turn them over to their viewpoint. So…not only do we have a convolution of the actual “News” about our world, but we have a strong Left Leaning message being pushed through the most popular forms of media by completely unqualified people. When you can’t step back and be objective despite your own personal feelings on a matter you are NOT qualified to report the news, the REAL NEWS anyway. Paid commentators are one thing, they are paid to give an Opinion based on available facts…too often though, news anchors are stuffing their opinions in our faces – THAT IS NOT THEIR JOB. The Olberman and Matthews and Rather types abuse their positions to further their own agendas, which as best I can surmise is nothing short of socialism.
Socialism doesn’t work…it sounds nice, but pick up a history book, even one written by a liberal professor and you’ll be hard pressed to find a successful Socialist or Marxist style of government. Moreover, they almost always end in some form Communism or Totalitarianism. (Too many -isms) They always begin with a movement about “Change” and “Hope” mixed up with nothing but platitudes and vagaries about anything important, and always from some well spoken puppet whose real agenda doesn’t surface until its too late. I digress…but it all ties in with the Media’s growing disregard for the facts so an elite group of celebrities and media moguls and their Democrat friends on the hill can tell everyone how they should live.
I’m getting too far off point so I’ll just tie it off here and say it would be nice to see actual news again one day…some sites and sources provide a fair amount but its all so ridiculous and sensationalized it really clouds any real hope they will return to reliable news agencies. There is one bastion of hope – education…if we know how to think for ourselves we can form our own opinions – now if we can weed out the teachers that are trying to indoctrinate our kids when they are too young to know any better. So much for tying it off, eh? Okay, really done now.
Every time something bad happens….its ze Germans!
Look closely, you’ll see them on the closeup shot over the eye of the storm. Damn those guys are sneaky, slipping in with the storm…the name tipped me off though; Gustav, real clever guys, how about just naming it Hitler for pete’s sake.
