Jay Blogs Twice in One Day After Extended Down Time

Random, unimportant blogger Taxi returned to posting on his blog today after well over a month of not posting.  Blog readers were left in the lurch, so to speak, as they were not fed their weekly to bi-weekly dose of Taxi’s often offensive yet clever style of comedy.   Some fans were reported as near suicidal in recent days, sadly this was over news that Taxi would again be blogging on a more regular basis.  In a statement I made up five seconds ago, Taxi was reported as saying, “I got a lot to say, quit judging me you slack-jawed jackass.”  Taxi then stormed out of his drab, windowless office mumbling something about not knowing where his coffee pot had gone.  Stay tuned for the latest updates on what appears to be shaping up as a completely pointless story.

Back with More Awesome Pictures and Captions

"When you dress like that you act like you want it, chief Flirts with Pretty Eyes!"

Animal Lovers Kip & Ned Spunkmeyer attempt to bond with an uncooperative prairie dog. The startled prairie dog stated that, "They put peanut butter somewhere inappropriate and said you can store your nuts here gentle creature...I didn't know what to do!"

Man Angered lack of solid colored Fezes in open market writes his government to complain for reform. "I just want a solid, maroon Fez like Ahkmed and Sakim down the way, they don't have to walk around with a cheetah on their heads."

Pig filled with helium in attempt to create new "Lite" Bacon. Onlookers hungrily look on as the experiment seems to be a success.

Construction workers flee as giant, horny crane attempts to molest their work site!

Another Round of Pictures that Amuse Me

…with commentary and captions of my own of course.

“Don’t tell the audience Mr. Bunny, but I have no idea what I’m doing. By the way, nice vest…are you the Easter Bunny or the new Librarian?”

Finally after years of genetic testing a new breed of Super-Hawkings are primed and ready to begin the takeover of our civilization.

Mary thought, “Johnny Blue-Green has never phoned in a smile in the past,” as she suddenly realized that even the inanimate objects were pretending to be nice to her…

In their most recent gaff GM executives green light a new Hybrid that runs off fossil fuels it will produce on its own after millions of years. PR reps excitedly pointed out the obvious Pros: Tons of headroom and trunk space while completely ignoring criticism over the amount of Carbon the new 50 seater would expel compared to current hybrids in its class.

The British Ambassador to Germany is seen here correcting an adviser on his obviously flawed attempt at doing the worm.

Economically strapped funeral homes attempted a new method of cremation with disastrous results. On a more positive note, the new technique gave off a fresh coconut scent as opposed to the traditional melty-corpse scent so unpopular with standard cremations.

Mexican Super-Cop, Machine Gun Jorge, attempts to round up truants with his trademark persuasion rifle and world famous Blue Helicopter, “Chester”

These are just some cute animal pictures…
Honestly…try looking at these without smiling. Can’t do it, can you?

I’m Done,
Taxi

Sheriff Joe, Real Americans Salute You!

SHOWDOWN: Justice Dept. Investigates Sheriff Joe for Enforcing Immigration Law; 16,000+ Illegals detained...

I love this guy, Sheriff Joe has been treating prisoners like, well Prisoners!  I know it sounds crazy nowadays when prisoners enjoy a better standard of living than a fair amount of free, law-abiding citizens, but Sheriff Joseph Arpaio of Maricopa County in Arizona does just that.  He has been extraordinarily successful in making the prisoners perform useful tasks that save taxpayers money.

Recently, because of nearly 16,000 illegal immigrants being detained – not all at once – a heap of limp-wristed, misguided liberal activists led by Democrat Representatives  John Conyers (D-Mich.), Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.), Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), and Robert Scott (D-Va.)  are trying to launch an investigation into  whether the illegals’ civil rights are being violated.  Short answer to their bullshit questions is no, they came in illegally and many if not most have also committed an additional crime which is why their illegal status was found out.  Gee, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was okay to break whatever laws I feel like and expect some kind of guilt based immunity because of I wasn’t born in your country.  Sorry about your luck friends, but there are sooooo many people who come here legally and don’t violate the law that I just can’t look the other way and excuse the border jumpers and criminals.

ACORN held petition drives and rallies to support the investigation of Sheriff Joe.  An organization  that got Federal funding from the non-stimulus bill to basically support one political party is calling for someone else’s policies and procedures to be investigated.  ACORN was under investigation in multiple states for voter registration fraud (11 in total I believe) during the election and it was glossed over to make way for the Messiah’s coronation.  Its not just hypocritical of a completely biased organization like ACORN to investigate someone who actually upholds the laws of our nation, its downright suspicious if you ask me.  ACORN helped try to rig a presidential election and was rewarded by Lord Obama with billions in tax payer money.  Back in the day when someone stole from you they got taken out back and had some sense beat into them…today we reward the behavior and give titles and grants to these crooks.  I know I needn’t even say it, but this is the kind of topic the media use to write about to get to the truth behind a corrupt organization like ACORN – today the top names in the media are contributors to these types of organizations attending all their fancy parties and fund-raisers.

I have a great idea, how about we half the nation again and all the criminals that are having their rights violated can go live with the liberals and all the capitalists and rugged individualists can come live with the rest of us sane Americans?  What do you think?

The investigation – translation, witch hunt – is a total farce.  In the letter the Sheriff’s office received regarding being investigated, it stated, “The investigation will focus on alleged patterns or practices of discriminatory police practices and unconstitutional searches and seizures conducted by the MCSO, and on allegations of national origin discrimination, including failure to provide meaningful access to MCSO services for limited English proficient (LEP) individuals.”  Sane person translation – we want to make sure that you can’t do your job because the more ignorant, desperate people we can get to vote for democrats the closer we get to our socialist utopia, so we’ll call the fact that an illegal can’t speak our language your problem Sheriff Arpaio.  And, if that’s not enough, we’re gonna make it impossible for you to continue tracking down illegals and you’ll have to take it because we have White House, the Senate and the House and enjoy rubbing that fact in because we lack class and dignity.

Some little tidbits of interest:  70% of the illegals detained under Sheriff Arpaio were arrested for a Felony – these aren’t jaywalkers people!  Crimes break down as folows; forgery, 12 %; kidnapping, 10 %; aggravated assault, 7 %; driving under the influence, 7 %; drug charges, 27 %; robbery, 3 %; murder, 3 %; and theft, 4 %.

The Democrats who called for the investigation also want Janet Nepolitano, head of Homeland Security, to investigate ICE’s training methods.  Well of course, we can’t have effective training or we might actually catch the illegals and criminals and that cuts into the democrats’ voting base.   ICE’s training is largely responsible for helping root out illegals from the current inmate population as well as finding them out on the streets…this is their job and their  responsibility to the citizens they swore to protect.  Its time to start investigating these crooked Democrats…and Republicans, lets be fair, who are vested in their financial futures over our nations security and sovereignty.   And by investigate I mean introducing the business end of my foot to the side of their empty skulls.  You can’t do an honest, effective job without attracting scorn and suspicion.  Sheriff Joe, keep fighting sir, there’s more of us supporting you than the media might have you believe.

Later,
- TAXI

Sneaky Democrats…

Those crafty bastards are at it again up on the Hill. Today, despite the presidents opposition (supposed opposition) to the “Fairness Doctrine”, the Senate is currently – as in at this very moment – discussing two versions of that very thing. This blatant attack on free speech and free enterprise is obscene and targets such a specific group that the motive is painfully obvious: SILENCE THE OPPOSITION FOREVER! Don’t believe it? Really? Is it so hard to believe that with all the corruption in government that there are people who would do whatever it takes to keep their power and influence, which is made easier with a media biased to their cause. If the media presence were suddenly completely unopposed then who would know the truth anymore? Who would keep the balance in check?

Its all a little too convenient that the most corrupt, least deft politicians in Washington throw the most support at this bill. Speaker Pelosi, the first Legally Retarded Speaker of the House, has backed the Censorship Doctrine. She has also received the lowest rating of any Speaker in modern history as well as being a part of a Congress that has dipped down to single digit approval ratings at several points since the democrats have taken back power. The Democrats took advantage of Republicans lack of Integrity and failed promises. Certainly not all Republicans failed their constituents, but enough for them to lose their seats and their hold on the power struggle in the House and Senate. The Democrats across the board won elections in conservative districts and states espousing values that they immediately contradicted upon being elected back in 2006. They lied…politicians lying to get elected? Nooo…never! It happens in both camps but the Democrats are taking a dangerous step towards a style of governing that leads Socialism, Communism, Despotism..you name it that’s the type of measures they are taking. They deny it of course, but our democrat leadership seems to be unaware of world history especially where it pertains to government. Last I checked all this was covered before I even left grade school. I know our education system is failing our youth but its not so bad that basic history isn’t being taught, but it is obviously being ignored. As is the duty of our representatives to actually fully read and understand legislation they are passing.

Clearly politicians who don’t bother to read the largest bill in the history of our government, increasing the size of government drastically and racking up multiple generations of debt before we break even or worse yet, that we never recover from – those are the President’s words by the way – will not have a problem passing a censorship bill that targets private citizens who have flourished in talk radio. The obvious big names are Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh among others, and they have broken no laws and offered their honest opinions to audiences that obviously have responded well and chosen to listen to what talk radio has to offer. Ask this question of yourself: When Republicans were in power, despite the mistakes they did make, did they ever seek to silence free speech? I’m sure a few of you hardcore Leftists are going to mention the former President’s ban on Press photographing home bound caskets with our slain soldiers as a limitation on free speech. I have only this to say to you, “GO FUCK YOURSELVES!” I know its crude and unrefined and uncivilized and I don’t care. I know the sacrifice of our armed forces without allowing protesters and paparazzi hacks calling themselves Photojournalists abusing and tormenting the families and loved ones of those brave men and women.

It is the job of the press to inform on the news in an unbiased, professional manner. Those days are gone. Our youth believes the Daily Show is real news. WRONG…entertaining at times, yes, but not unbiased reporting. Neither are many of the shows on talk radio. These shows are reporting news, yes, but they are also paid for their opinions. Political pundits are the opinion based media…and they are allowed to be biased and entertaining. Its funny that no one on the right has suggested that we shut down Hollywood or demand equal movies be released with conservative messages else we pass legislation to force studios to do so. The Un-Fairness Doctrine is an attack on the free market. So while President Omygoodness says he’s against it I have no doubt he will sign it into law if a measure is passed. His actions betray his words and the words of all his minions on Capital Hill.

Here’s a perfect example of how the Media is dropping the ball and not properly researching claims and vetting people out when they personally support the Politician: Joe Biden went on the “Today” on one of those network channels I don’t watch (I read about this stuff on the web so don’t give me any crap about “You didn’t even see it”) and said “Louisiana is losing 400 jobs a day, so what is Jindal doing?”   Point of fact, Louisiana added almsot 4,000 jobs last month. During these dire economic times a conservative Governor with a clear message and uncompromising values is growing our (I am from Louisiana) state economy and the Today show anchor just agrees, assuming Biden – the Human Gaff Machine – knew what he was talking about.  Before Obama selected him as his VP the mainstream trashed Biden for being a idiot cause they wanted Hillary or Barry in the White House, now he’s suddenly a genius.  He’s a narcicist to be sure, but a genius he never was nor will he be.  Even if you thought Bobby Jindal’s delivery was a little hokey, it is the voters’ responsibility to remember we need content over appearance in our elected officials. We are largely in the predicament we are in because voters keep letting the media tell them what to do and how to think. When we, the people, choose to think for ourselves we end up with strong leadership and economic prosperity. When we stand in line and wait to be told what to do we see economic ruin and corruption.

I’m sure I am a little hard to follow of late, largely because the scope of what is covered of late is so broad. Our new President is trying to ram so much down our throats so fast that by the time we realize it won’t work or it was never intended to it will be too late. Its a bold move and a massive power grab but I personally think it will end up biting him in the butt come 2012 unless he can give out enough handouts to appease voters and silence talk radio shooting down almost all opposition thought reporting on the events in Washington, D.C. Its so disappointing to hear people so adamant about backing Obama and whatever he wants to do without thinking about the consequences. It must be nice to never need to be accountable for anything, but that’s not the way I live, and not counting the thousands and thousands of fraudulent votes from ACORN and like militant liberal organizations, just about half the country agrees with me, and a fair percentage of Reagan Democrats, real patriots that still register as Democrats but don’t want massive tax hikes like we just got force fed. I know, it is a tax break according to Barry Smooth, but where do you think the money will come from once he rapes the people making over 200,000 a year? The numbers have already been crunched…there was a very telling article on Drudge earlier that suggested that based on current trends the President’s Robin Hood plan will fall flat in a couple of years and the middle class he loves so much will be saddled with a massive tax hike all to support those of us that don’t even pay taxes. See, its easy to lose focus as these topics end up blurring into one another.

These people are about as intelligent as a bag full of hammers. I mean Socialists. They won’t accept the mantle but they barely deny it. Obama taught a course using the teachings and writings of Saul Alinsky, a radical Socialist. He admits learning from this man. Why does no one think this is a bad thing? They are clever, though. And they clearly read people well because their campaign of manipulation, class and race warfare was brilliant. I’d get into Hollywood’s contribution to this travesty but I’d be here a while and I’ve already gone on for quite some time. Sadly, Hollywood is much like the Liberal Democrats in power. Good intentions, bad ideas, tons of money, and constant contradictions. When they don’t have an answer they make one up and say it convincingly and the sycophants in the media report it as fact like good little sheep. That’s it, no more on Ass-Holywood. No more at all today. I told you so…its preemptive. We need leadership and ideas that have proven successful and we got a symbol and a bunch of empty suits with good PR people. We Will Recover! I have no doubt we will at some point find our better selves again, but this current experiment will fail as it has every other time it has been tried. Big government never works in free societies…not for long anyway…the temptation of elites or military leaders like Chavez, Castro, Stalin to name a few, to take control for the “Greater Good” proves too great. One more time…I Told You So. I’ll say it again later to be annoying. Don’t worry, I won’t forget.

This isn’t where I parked my car…
TAXI

Geithner/Gordon Conspiracy Revealed

In an alarming new development it appears that Timothy Geithner, BarackObama’s choice for Secretary of the Treasury, may in fact be fictional character Eric Gordon from Adam Sandler’s career launcher, Billy Madison.   The comparison becomes even more interesting when the question of ethics comes into play.  I think we all remember Eric losing it when it came to knowing what ethics are and how they apply in the business world…let’s just say it didn’t go well.  Mr. Geithner seems to share Mr. Gordon’s lack of scruples as even Democrat Committee members grill him for more information about his tax problems.  Can we not put someone who has evaded taxes in charge of the Treasury?  Please?  Is it possible that we not try for the absolute, most corrupt administration of all time.

Here are pictures of our ethically challenged Doppelgangers:

Looky What I Found

Some awesome Big Lots finds:

#24 NASCAR Jeff Gordon Collectors Series Racebrick

The Von Pooch Mocha Madness Dog Sofa

Its difficult to determine who I am more pissed off at, the Corporate Buyers, the Manufacturers or the Consumers?  Eh…if people want to pay for garbage than let them.

Thanks for all the crap Big lots Guys,
TAXI

Headlines! Here’s How I See It…

Feet Report that the Upper Body is Overrated

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Harley Davidson Seeks to Rejuvenate the Brand with Family-style Motorcycle

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Racers Astonished by Sudden Gravitational Shifts

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Satellite Providers Turn to Magic Blue Man to Fix Widespread Reception Problems: Service Among Smurf Demographic at All Time High

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Tortoise Implicated in Serial Arson Case, Hare Sought for Questioning as Possible Accomplice

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Indian Librarian Shrinks all Works by Shakespeare in Effort to Read Them Faster

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Princess Diana Not Dead, Trapped in Warlock’s Dining Hall Tapestry

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Chihuahua Claims Land Speed Record on Pony, Not to be Outdone Black Bear Phenom “Hugo” Hits the Track to Reclaim the Title

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Walrus Trio to Remake “Feed the World” for Charity Event

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Iraqi Man Finds Zoom Buttons on Side of Eyeballs

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Urban Sprawl Cuts Canoe Trips Short

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Border Jumpers Form Tactical Go-Cart Squads in Effort to Confuse Border Patrols

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World’s Smallest Man Evicted from Home, Holds Protest Outside Residence Claiming Squatters’ Rights

…Really? oh, and Merry Christmas

So there I am, sitting at my desk plugging away at our website updates trying to make it look like I’m super busy and listening to some Internet radio. I’ve been on a 80’s band kick today and so I’ve been bouncing the 80’s stations from POP to hair metal, to give you an idea of the blend today I just heard Def Lepperd’s Photograph, The Eurythmics Would I Lie to You, and Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror in the last half hour. Back to the point though, which is: Its days like this when you least expect it you come across unique musical talents like the fairly well unknown GODLEY & CREME, with their non-hit CRY. One only need step back a few words and read the last sentence over to understand why this group hasn’t burned up the charts. Now I’m sure some uber-nerd will pull out the intraweb lexicon of bullshit facts I never asked to know and tell me Soandso Godley wrote songs for that amazing power group Ricardo & the Fantasy Island Jam Band or some other actual successful group of the decade – but that would ruin my humorous find so fuck the uber-nerd and his useless facts.

Well people…I’ll likely not post until the New Year, so I’ll say my not-so-fond farewells to 2008 and Salutations to 2009. Another shitty year comes to an end with only the promise of more of the same in the year to come. What are you gonna do? Fortunately the whole point is that no matter how desperate the outlook may seem, that’s the whole reason to celebrate the New Year. Hey, we survived one more year…the opportunities to fix our mistakes still exist. It doesn’t matter that our track record of following through on our resolutions is at about a 1% success rate, its that we keep lying to ourselves to feel better that counts.

In all seriousness, I hate you all…damnit, no! Seriously, I’m putting the gag on personalities 3-7 (the rowdy, angry ones)…Happy Holidays to all my friends, family, the Cherokee Nation, the coal miners I routinely use as the butt of my fictional comedies, the jackass I splashed by buzzing a puddle (he was riding in the street and there was lots of traffic to maneuver around), Those awesome Cats at Sunshine Snacks who bring me my fine assortments of Cheeze-it snack crackers, and…all those empty suits on Capital Hill who provide me an limitless source of comedy gold on a daily basis. Let us all remember the coolest part about Christmas, or December 25th if you don’t recognize Christ as the son of your invisible deity, which is that General George “Welcome to the Gun Show” Washington led a ragtag band of Freedom Loving AMERICANS across the Delaware River and while outnumbered, poorly clothed, and outgunned they kicked some tea-sippin, imperial-minded British Asses.  Those brave, half-crazed fellows fought to protect nearly everything we hold sacred to this day – slavery being the obvious exception, of course – and what better way to spend the holidays than by being greatful to those who fight to preserve that freedom both then and now. Hug a soldier for Christmas Bitches!

Merry New Years,
TAXI

The Fat Man has a little something in his Sack for You!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

World’s first Double Arm Transplant Recipient bubbles over with jubilation at the impending Masturbation Marathon he has planned for his new guns. Question…is it masturbation if he’s still using another dude’s arms?

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Spain, in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate the space program, attempts a new moon mission. Executive members of Spain’s Advanced Aeronautics Team said its going to be a team effort but we think we can get the job done.

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China’s lack of concern for the environment reaches epic proportions as excess Chinese people are discarded into the atmosphere in an effort to produce a rice based fuel causing the dreaded China-man Rain.

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Jewish Super Heroin, The Gefilte Fish, fueled by guilt and lochs, uses her amazing Jewish Water Powers to douse the flames of the latest in a series of bombings on Israel.

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McCain loses the ever coveted “Subway” endorsement as he slightly misfires on his version of their popular “Five Dollar Foot Long” campaign slogan. Rumors of a Contract to supply “Big Sandwiches” in place of the Haliburton food contracts for troops in Iraq may sway the Sandwich Giant to come back to the McCain/Palin ticket.

I just can’t get enough of these photos…I need to rethink my career, wedding photos are nice but I need to hit the road and take some of these masterpieces. As always, if you have a better suggestion for the captions refer to or copy the pic an reply to this post.

Later,
Taxi