Back with More Awesome Pictures and Captions

"When you dress like that you act like you want it, chief Flirts with Pretty Eyes!"

Animal Lovers Kip & Ned Spunkmeyer attempt to bond with an uncooperative prairie dog. The startled prairie dog stated that, "They put peanut butter somewhere inappropriate and said you can store your nuts here gentle creature...I didn't know what to do!"

Man Angered lack of solid colored Fezes in open market writes his government to complain for reform. "I just want a solid, maroon Fez like Ahkmed and Sakim down the way, they don't have to walk around with a cheetah on their heads."

Pig filled with helium in attempt to create new "Lite" Bacon. Onlookers hungrily look on as the experiment seems to be a success.

Construction workers flee as giant, horny crane attempts to molest their work site!

Can We Replace Pelosi with Google?

I have seen the most ignorant, vacuous woman ever conceived get elected to the Speaker of the House and contrastingly seen a no-name, tiny little company use hard numbers and common sense approaches to become a juggernaut in the Online world.

Sadly, the former has the ability to help train-wreck our economy and help destroy good, hard working people by passing bills that will steal from those very people and give to ignorant, un-researched projects and back door deals that this Empty Suit thinks are a good idea. Not to mention her obvious disdain for the military and any one who opposes her RADICAL point of view. All I can hope for is that her fellow congressmen and women force her to step down, though I have my doubts that they will actually do so. I mean why would they, Liberal Democrats live the ultimate double standard – they dismiss accountability as nothing more than a nuisance and feel they are always entitled to their positions and power.

Well…here’s hoping Princess Pelosi is held accountable and my faith in government, while not even close to being restored, would in fact be repaired a bit. I could feel as though I have not lost my mind and there is some common sense left in our government. Not much, but some.

And, getting back to google’s accomplishment, get this:
Concerned a brain drain could hurt its long-term ability to compete, Google Inc. is tackling the problem with its typical tool: an algorithm. Brilliant! I say that we make this a two-fold process…follow my logic for a moment. First we demand the resignation of the Power Hungry Traitors Pelosi and Reid – Because its my plan and those are my terms. Next, we apply the google “I quit” algorithm to all Federal Political Representatives who are voted into office. Then, after we get the results anyone who is projected to stay in office more than three terms before moving on or going back to the private sector must be subjected to INTENSE Criminal Investigations in which all associations, tax information, international dealings and any undeclared earnings are dug up and if proven guilty on any counts are given the full sentence allowed by law for normal, everyday citizens – in addition to this they will be beaten with tire iron on live television and all profits from said event will go to paying back the money stolen from Social Security. Punishment for stealing from the proceeds of this event will be death – also televised, same deal.

Look people, I’m just expressing my opinion that Term Limits are needed badly. On top of that we need to vet our candidates better and really find out what they stand for – We elected a community organizer with questionable associations and next to NO Valid Experience to president and demonized a Governor with years of varied levels of executive experience all because of the political parties to which they belonged. How is that what’s best for the country?

I say down with Pelosi! Maybe this bastion of intelligence will act in the best interest of our country and step down…but I personally doubt it. Nothing about her has ever led me to believe her intentions are to serve the people or her ambitions are motivated by a need to serve others. Whatever the outcome, thank you to the normally useless media for actually going after one of your own (and by that I mean corrupt Liberals) and digging up some facts against this nitwit!

I’m Thinking….McDonald’s (My 3yr old Nephew’s Opinion on all of this)
Later,
TAXI

Another Round of Pictures that Amuse Me

…with commentary and captions of my own of course.

“Don’t tell the audience Mr. Bunny, but I have no idea what I’m doing. By the way, nice vest…are you the Easter Bunny or the new Librarian?”

Finally after years of genetic testing a new breed of Super-Hawkings are primed and ready to begin the takeover of our civilization.

Mary thought, “Johnny Blue-Green has never phoned in a smile in the past,” as she suddenly realized that even the inanimate objects were pretending to be nice to her…

In their most recent gaff GM executives green light a new Hybrid that runs off fossil fuels it will produce on its own after millions of years. PR reps excitedly pointed out the obvious Pros: Tons of headroom and trunk space while completely ignoring criticism over the amount of Carbon the new 50 seater would expel compared to current hybrids in its class.

The British Ambassador to Germany is seen here correcting an adviser on his obviously flawed attempt at doing the worm.

Economically strapped funeral homes attempted a new method of cremation with disastrous results. On a more positive note, the new technique gave off a fresh coconut scent as opposed to the traditional melty-corpse scent so unpopular with standard cremations.

Mexican Super-Cop, Machine Gun Jorge, attempts to round up truants with his trademark persuasion rifle and world famous Blue Helicopter, “Chester”

These are just some cute animal pictures…
Honestly…try looking at these without smiling. Can’t do it, can you?

I’m Done,
Taxi

We Elected Ron Burgundy President

In a speech given on St. Patrick’s day to Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen the president continued reading the teleprompter past his own part of the speech (as if he – or any other president – writes any of his own speeches) and read the Prime Minister’s lines thanking himself, Barrack Hussein Obama, for attending. Need I say what a Jackass our new Messiah/God Emperor has proven himself? Not even touching his ignorant marxist policies and his socialist beliefs, he is helpless without that teleprompter.

I keep seeing it play over and over in my head, “I’m Ron Burgundy, Go Fuck yourself, San Diego.” Then I see Obama and hear him saying, “I’m Barrack Obama, Fuck You America!” I’d feel better if Obama was that clueless, but that devious bastard knows what he is doing and that’s the truly frightening part, which is ironic that he is that clever a guy but that bad on his feet under pressure. We need to get Wes Mantooth up in this piece to do some hardcore investigative journalism on our new leader – or Spanish Talk Radio at least.

I’m Taxi,
You Stay Classy, America!

Its Friday…Its Raining…Do You Know Where Your Goat Is?

My titles nearly never tell of the topics or contents of my rants, articles, musings, etc…its just more fun that way.

FINAL STIMULUS BILL BALLOONS TO 1,071 PAGES...
Dem Senator Predicts: None of His Colleagues 'Will Have Chance' to Read It...
Congressman: 'We all cast our votes with one hand and crossed our fingers with the other'...

These are the three leading headlines on drudge today. This stimulus bill is the death knell of freedom and capitalism in America. The politicians are freely admitting their intentions to hoodwink the citizens they represent via misinformation or simple lack of information available. They freely admit that most of the elected representation in Washington won’t even fully be aware of or understand the contents of the Democrats’ Magical Mystery Bail-Out Bill. I don’t have it in me to continue on singing the funeral dirge of the Red, White & Blue so I’ll just move on to something more befitting a Friday.

Carnival season is upon us once again…welcomed with the cool, dank embrace of mother nature via the typical, New Orleans-style weather. Oft times I’ve thought of Southern Louisiana as a boozed up cesspool, rife with criminals, entitlementalities, addicts and liberals (the last of which may be redundant…just being thorough) the weather always seeming to reflect the general demeanor of the populous. Maybe. I suppose we could very well be the city of the damned, but we throw a wicked-fun party every year (actually more like every few months) despite the haze under which we typically exist. I realize its financially motivated on the whole…tourism+cash money=economic stimulation (notice that nowhere in that equation, despite the use of my favorite Orleanian term “cash money”, did the words more taxes, or government intervention appear). Mardi Gras both highlights the decadent excess and the down home values and tradition in some kind of tack welded Frankenstein’s monster paradox that pretty well sums up our way of life in and around the Crescent City. I never fall short of amazed at how we somehow pull off Carnival every year without major incident. To be fair, there is a bit of crime and occasionally a brutal crime occurs, but its mild compared to what would be expected at such a massive, alcohol-fueled happening. Interesting place to live in more than interesting times.

I feel like I’m banging on a very somber gong, like T-Rex off his anti-depressants. So, in response to my own broodish scribblings I present you with…

PICTURES…of…INTEREST!

This is why I don’t jog anymore

“I’m the king of the frog people, damnit!” Frickin Germans have too much time on their hands.

She got these badass new sunglasses that turn Asians into Cyndi Lauper – apparently there is a market for that.

I’m Seven (count them) Seven Cell Phones Imortant

Asian scooter enthusiast stalked by Rogue Orange Tree with Al Qaeda ties

When you’ve seen a Black Bear racing a Donkey this just isn’t that impressive

Happy Mardi Gras, go out and party and spend some money while you still can, they just wrang up about $800 Billion in debt in Washington a few hours ago and we’ll likely never know where they end up spending it.
As it stands, most of the Congressmen haven’t even had a chance to read the entire proposal…I hand in a half-ass job like that and I get fired. Maybe its about time we start firing some of the inept career politicians. Not yet? don’t worry, once they’ve spent all the money of the working class they’ll come after everyone else as well…then you’ll selectively forget that you ignored all the warning signs and chose to sell freedom and capitalism down the river for a few handouts and the promise of a cleaner, more environmentally conscientious America, free from the faux-threat of man-made global warming. I realize I drifted back to the dark side there for a minute – I must be in one of my “Black Moods!” (from Fierce Creatures) – but these ultra-liberal criminals, and that is what they are, won’t come to their senses until a great big Polar Bear walks right up behind them and bites them on the ass! And then I’ll still have to convince them that it wasn’t George Bush, it was, in fact, a Polar Bear. Man I’m grouchy right now…got to be the stumpulous bill getting passed.

I’m Outty 5000,
TAXI

Little Asshole Interrupts Class…Police Intervene to Bring the Flatulist to Justice

Here’s an article from The Smoking Gun, via The Drudge Report:
Florida Boy Arrested For Gas Attack:
12-year-old charged after deliberately “breaking wind” in class

I honestly had no response to this when I saw it outside of “Well….huh?” That was all I could get out for this ridiculous story. A child was interrupting class…WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK! Damn near every child wants to interrupt class a t some point and cut up rather than learn new stuff all day. This is a central theme throughout most normal kids’ development. I wasn’t angry upon first reading this…cause it is pretty hilarious; but, despite the comedic value I found my self reminiscing about the good old days when a kid would be suspended or expelled for such behavior, NOT ARRESTED. I know its just juvenile detention and it won’t really hinder his future success – not that I expect much from the little flatulist. I don’t think that is an actual word or title, but Its what I’m going with so deal with it! I don’t think kids should be beaten – let me put that out there for clarification – but I do think disciplinary measures should be at the disposal of educators and authority figures. You can’t handcuff these teachers and expect them to just take it. Eventually, or at present, you will find they simply stop teaching and just let these kids coast on through the system, or take other extreme measures to deal with trouble makers, such as police intervention. Its funny – and yes, here’s my Right leaning political jab for the day – that the party of “It takes a Village to raise a Child” has brought us to the point where police intervention is necessary to deal with a kid farting in class. Here is the link to the article, the police report is just wonderful…give it a look.

No Farting In Class

Later,
TAXI

What do McKenzie Phillips and Dr. Rockso have in Common?

We do cuh-cuh-cuh-Cocaine! What would Schneider think, Carol?
Why does this happen to the mediocre talents so often – its not as though she pulled a John Belushi, leaving behind a legacy of masterful, original, oft-imitated but seldom doing him justice comedic performances. She was a mediocre talent at best and so why not cram as much crap into her nose and veins as possible so she feels better about herself for a minute, or feel like she has to numb herself because life is so hard…had she stayed off the nose candy she’d never have been fired from One Day At A Time…twice. Idiot.

Later,
TAXI

Remember When News Sites had Actual News?

I have heard Sean Hannity repeating “This will be remembered as the year that journalism died” on his radio and television shows recently (leading me to ponder whether a new book is on the way, but that is neither here nor there). I suppose he has a point. Over the last few years, even reliable, hard hitting, fact based reporting entities such as Drudge, and Breitbart, and others have gradually been getting more and more of the sensational news stories over the actual issues of importance. I know, it has everything to do with our society as a whole – these are not only news sources but businesses that profit through ad revenue, so I don’t fault them for following trends to success – but still, it is disheartening. Let’s face it, even the election coverage is more sensational than pertinent issue based.

Let’s point out a few of the day’s top news stories. I will of course give you my very biased, personal opinions on everything…its my blog, deal with it.

Exhibit A: Pam Anderson tells Sarah Palin to suck it!

Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when did being a whore with Hep C and severely bad judgement as it pertains to boyfriends and husbands qualify you as an expert on politics. Hollywood equals Socialist Lunatics. There is some kind of disconnect that happens to people in that industry where they feel guilty for working hard and making money for their efforts and want everyone to be able to be just as carefree and frivolous as they. They can no longer separate from the pretend part of their profession and feel the attention is synonymous with importance; IT IS NOT! I know this may shock you celebrities out there, but you are NOT IMPORTANT…watch, I’ll prove it and segue into…

Exhibit B: LINDSAY LOHAN'S GAL PAL SAYS THEY'LL GET MARRIED THIS YEAR

First let me say WHO CARES!!! I propose that we speed things up to the GUARANTEED split up of these two lovebirds within the next year or so when Ms. Lohan realizes that she was never a Lesbian, just a coked up strumpet with a dysfunctional family, and suggest they off themselves in some Lover’s Pact or something…it’ll be a fun PR stunt, for me anyway. I’ll bet you my entire life’s savings converted into monopoly money that within a month after the story is no longer front page news another desperate girl with big, shiny, fake knockers will bounce up into her destined role of misguided hollywood starlet turned total whore. Its only interesting in the way a train wreck is interesting…seeing something destroyed has a macabre beauty to it, that’s why we love fireworks and demolition derby’s and seeing guys getting kicked in the junk. This should be left to the Tabloids and non-news entertainment shows.

I am not saying there isn’t a market for this garbage, I’m simply making the connection between the problem we have as a society of separating entertainment and government. Kids are being raised by the TV and internet, guided by Left wing radicals typically, to love socialist ideals and to fight the system by obeying their Ultra-Cool heroes who themselves don’t have inkling of a clue of what is really going on in the world. They prey on kids and teenagers at the stages of life where acceptance is everything to them and turn them over to their viewpoint. So…not only do we have a convolution of the actual “News” about our world, but we have a strong Left Leaning message being pushed through the most popular forms of media by completely unqualified people. When you can’t step back and be objective despite your own personal feelings on a matter you are NOT qualified to report the news, the REAL NEWS anyway. Paid commentators are one thing, they are paid to give an Opinion based on available facts…too often though, news anchors are stuffing their opinions in our faces – THAT IS NOT THEIR JOB. The Olberman and Matthews and Rather types abuse their positions to further their own agendas, which as best I can surmise is nothing short of socialism.

Socialism doesn’t work…it sounds nice, but pick up a history book, even one written by a liberal professor and you’ll be hard pressed to find a successful Socialist or Marxist style of government. Moreover, they almost always end in some form Communism or Totalitarianism. (Too many -isms) They always begin with a movement about “Change” and “Hope” mixed up with nothing but platitudes and vagaries about anything important, and always from some well spoken puppet whose real agenda doesn’t surface until its too late. I digress…but it all ties in with the Media’s growing disregard for the facts so an elite group of celebrities and media moguls and their Democrat friends on the hill can tell everyone how they should live.

I’m getting too far off point so I’ll just tie it off here and say it would be nice to see actual news again one day…some sites and sources provide a fair amount but its all so ridiculous and sensationalized it really clouds any real hope they will return to reliable news agencies. There is one bastion of hope – education…if we know how to think for ourselves we can form our own opinions – now if we can weed out the teachers that are trying to indoctrinate our kids when they are too young to know any better. So much for tying it off, eh? Okay, really done now.

I Knew it!

Every time something bad happens….its ze Germans!

Look closely, you’ll see them on the closeup shot over the eye of the storm.  Damn those guys are sneaky, slipping in with the storm…the name tipped me off though; Gustav, real clever guys, how about just naming it Hitler for pete’s sake.

Seriously…

Here’s the latest bullshit you NEED to buy to make your horrible life meaningful again.

#1 – The Laser Comb

Nearly half of all adults suffer from hair loss
If you’re one of them, you probably understand how hair loss impacts your life in many ways. Perhaps you feel diminishing attractiveness and dwindling confidence. To date, there have been few options for treating hair loss, primarily prescription drugs or effective but expensive surgeries. Fortunately, there is a new solution: the HairMax LaserComb by Lexington International, LLC. The HairMax LaserComb has revolutionized the massive hair care industry, and has now made hair loss a choice rather than an unavoidable reality.

I am feigning a cough/sneeze to mask me saying BULLSHIT! I believe that it in reality sucks one’s brains out while combing what’s left of one’s hair. I am using a word generator to rename this invention to the…Quantumn Light-Revitalizer. I doesn’t always have to be funny. Perhaps you should be less presumptuous.

#2 – The Cars N’ Kids Baby Reminder for Car Seats

Its the age old problem of trying to help the every day BAD PARENT not be such a total piece of shit who would leave their kid in the car. The inventor’s website states: Sadly, Children die every day from hypothermia (heat stroke) after being inadvertently forgotten in the back seat of a car. They left out the part about the parent or guardian being a total bastard who forgot their kid in a life threatening situation to speed things up at the grocery store. Still…if you are a total waste of life then this might be your invention…which I shall rename: Internet-enabled Ignorance Controller.

#3 – The Golf Ball Launcher

I know what you are thinking…there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this invention. I agree, except for the fact that it is supposedly for all types of people including those with mobility issues. I can only assume those with mobility issues would also have a tough time figuring out a way to use the pump…but they are apparently streamlining the product so maybe the new one will have a CO2 cartridge or something. Either way…still a seriously useless yet seriously awesome idea. I will not rename this rare, shiny peanut in the lame inventions turd. By the way Mr. Golf Ball Launcher…NICE MULLET!

#4 – last but not least…the Cast Skate

Now Its Possible to Walk Short Distances, Pivot In & Out of Vehicles and Use Restrooms Without Using Crutches! Allows Weight Bearing on An Orthopedic Foot Cast according to the Website. This is clearly capitalizing on the idea of the furniture moving sliders…seemingly a good idea, except that instead of mobilizing the temporarily handicapped they have figured out a way to increase your chances of permanent paralysis. Honestly…even people with good balance would likely go sprawling on one of these slippery bastards. Also, younger more agile folks don’t have time for gimmicks like this, they don’t even bother to use the crutches properly half the time. So…this likely caters to the older, Home Shopping, Gadget loving crowd. The exact crowd likely to bust their ass so it matches their broken leg. This is a really, really, REALLY…funny idea. I like this one, it is too much fun. I shall rename it: The Moronic Volt Yodeler.

Well…I had fun.