Every time something bad happens….its ze Germans!
Look closely, you’ll see them on the closeup shot over the eye of the storm. Damn those guys are sneaky, slipping in with the storm…the name tipped me off though; Gustav, real clever guys, how about just naming it Hitler for pete’s sake.
Here’s the latest bullshit you NEED to buy to make your horrible life meaningful again.
#1 – The Laser Comb
Nearly half of all adults suffer from hair loss
If you’re one of them, you probably understand how hair loss impacts your life in many ways. Perhaps you feel diminishing attractiveness and dwindling confidence. To date, there have been few options for treating hair loss, primarily prescription drugs or effective but expensive surgeries. Fortunately, there is a new solution: the HairMax LaserComb by Lexington International, LLC. The HairMax LaserComb has revolutionized the massive hair care industry, and has now made hair loss a choice rather than an unavoidable reality.
I am feigning a cough/sneeze to mask me saying BULLSHIT! I believe that it in reality sucks one’s brains out while combing what’s left of one’s hair. I am using a word generator to rename this invention to the…Quantumn Light-Revitalizer. I doesn’t always have to be funny. Perhaps you should be less presumptuous.
#2 – The Cars N’ Kids Baby Reminder for Car Seats
Its the age old problem of trying to help the every day BAD PARENT not be such a total piece of shit who would leave their kid in the car. The inventor’s website states: Sadly, Children die every day from hypothermia (heat stroke) after being inadvertently forgotten in the back seat of a car. They left out the part about the parent or guardian being a total bastard who forgot their kid in a life threatening situation to speed things up at the grocery store. Still…if you are a total waste of life then this might be your invention…which I shall rename: Internet-enabled Ignorance Controller.
#3 – The Golf Ball Launcher
I know what you are thinking…there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with this invention. I agree, except for the fact that it is supposedly for all types of people including those with mobility issues. I can only assume those with mobility issues would also have a tough time figuring out a way to use the pump…but they are apparently streamlining the product so maybe the new one will have a CO2 cartridge or something. Either way…still a seriously useless yet seriously awesome idea. I will not rename this rare, shiny peanut in the lame inventions turd. By the way Mr. Golf Ball Launcher…NICE MULLET!
#4 – last but not least…the Cast Skate
Now Its Possible to Walk Short Distances, Pivot In & Out of Vehicles and Use Restrooms Without Using Crutches! Allows Weight Bearing on An Orthopedic Foot Cast according to the Website. This is clearly capitalizing on the idea of the furniture moving sliders…seemingly a good idea, except that instead of mobilizing the temporarily handicapped they have figured out a way to increase your chances of permanent paralysis. Honestly…even people with good balance would likely go sprawling on one of these slippery bastards. Also, younger more agile folks don’t have time for gimmicks like this, they don’t even bother to use the crutches properly half the time. So…this likely caters to the older, Home Shopping, Gadget loving crowd. The exact crowd likely to bust their ass so it matches their broken leg. This is a really, really, REALLY…funny idea. I like this one, it is too much fun. I shall rename it: The Moronic Volt Yodeler.
Well…I had fun.
MANITOWOC, Wis. – A Manitowoc woman tending to her horses is killed when several huge bales of hay fell on her.
Manitowoc County sheriff’s officials say the 63-year-old woman was preparing hay for the horses when three bales weighing about 1,000 pounds each fell from a stack and crushed her about 9 p.m. Tuesday.
The woman was pronounced dead at the scene in the Town of Manitowoc.
(Not a picture of the woman, I couldn’t find one) I was going to go with “Hay, Look Out” but it seemed too short and punchy and not informative enough, so I will go with: (drum roll please) “Woman Bails Out on Farm Life, Killed by 3,000 lbs of Hay”
The game is on…have at it kiddies!
